Scratching Around for a Subject

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I once knew someone who really ‘got the ‘ump‘ if ever you said 

“Long time - no see“.

I don‘t know why it upset her; but it did.

However, it is true that not many of you have seen Unc B around for quite a while. 

Not a bad thing necessarily, as ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, as my Granny used to say  if us lads hadn’t been round to see her for a while.  

But my being away is a long tale and it is best kept short I think, but basically, I have been plagued with computer problems. 

Not little problems, not Mega problems, but Giga problems.

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As I have a huge backlog of jokes - let’s have a laugh to start things going again.

A waiter, whilst waiting for a lady to order, started scratching his bottom.

“Excuse me asking,” said the lady diner, “but have you got haemorrhoid's?”

“No, madam, I’m sorry” replied the waiter.

“Only what’s on the menu.”

Actually, I’ve been itching quite a bit lately.

Not a medical sort of itch and definitely not a seven year itch!

I’ve been ‘itching’ to get back on-line and write a blog or two. 

I actually have four blogs hidden away somewhere (over on the right side) 

that all need updating badly. 

(Woops! I mean - badly need updating - although, on second thoughts!)

This last week my machine has almost been back to normal - 

- well, the way it was just before Christmas 2012.

Since then, I have had TWO new hard drives fitted in two months - 

- not at the same time of course - but one after the other.

The second one failed after two weeks of me struggling to ’recovery’ data and ‘re-install‘  software after the first crash.

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The chap a the ‘help desk’ did his best to help me, but in the end,
I resorted to doing it myself yet again. 

So, I am now an expert at setting up computers from their ’factory condition’,
which is the way they return them to you, after repair. 

Mine was returned as it was in November 2007.

I was without a computer for two weeks the first time the hard-drive failed - so when it went ‘belly-up’ the second time, instead of taking to drink and large quantities of  ’comfort food’ (faggots & white pudding) , I consoled myself, by going up to John Lewis’s and buying a brand new snazzy lap-top. 

This also took time as the one I wanted was out of stock. Another weeks wait.

So I now I had a third go at setting up a PC and loading all my programs and data. 

This time it was not quite so simple, as the new beastie came with Windows 8 (?). 

The previous five years of typing, blogging and file saving, had all been done under Vista. (yuk).  

It is only at times like this when you realise just how many different file types there are! 

( .txt, .doc, .wks, wpt, .wps, .xlr, etc….etc) - and how incompatible they can be.

However, I managed eventually and got it up and running. 

Wesley liked it too and had a go at computer dating.

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He also decided that the laptop case was a great new place to curl up on. 

He actually knocked it down off those steps - luckily there was no laptop inside.

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So, now having got all my piccies, text and joke books resurrected I’ve been ’scratching’ around for something to blog about - excluding the weather!  

And as we were on the subject of  itching,
just look what the Brussels sprouts (eu) have dreamt up now.
This is unbelievable!

My friend Barbara bought me a smashing jumper-cum-shirt for Christmas.

Now I just love these woollies with their little bit of shirt collar sewn into the V neck.

 Why?

No ironing of shirts of course!

I though it was really great, so off I went to Marks to buy another one in a different colour.

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Marks Shop Assistant: "Can I be of any help madam?"

Lady Customer: "Yes, thank you. I’d like to try on that white blouse in the window."

Marks Shop assistant: "I’m very sorry madam, but you will have to try it on in the fitting room like everyone else."

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I was really pleased with these two jumpers but, there was however, 

one small drawback – they were itchy.

Very itchy, down on one side, at the waist.

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Just look at this lot. 

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It’s a new Brussels sprout Directive that says - washing instructions have to be in 27 different languages! Not sure about the 27. I didn’t count them, but they were a ‘right pain’ in the…..side.

I bet Cameroon never has this problem? 

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No. Thought not.

Of course I also cut all mine off, but now - I am left without the English instructions, and I’m still left with that little tickley stub. Looks as if it will have to be carefully unpicked.

Don’t you just love all this ‘regulation’?

UPDATE -

Digging into this, the Directive states that the Washing Instructions,

must be in the language of the country in which the item is sold,

Expecting manufacturers, usually in China these days,

to know where items are going to be sold is really daft.

So to get round it they just sew in all 27.

Now here’s a washing label to get few people upset?

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I had better not take sides in this debate.

And…..whilst on the subject of washing and ironing - 

a few verses from my Book of Ditties.

Yon canny Highland crofters keep 

A flock of crease-resistant sheep. 

They weave wee woollen shirts and slacks

And flog 'em to the Sassenachs. 

Wool keeps its shape, it's bound to please,

(Ye nae seen sheep wi' baggy knees) 

Woollen shirts and slacks eh?

I bet they’re itchy.

But not as itchy as this next ‘Winter Warmer’.

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King Arthur's knights sat sullen-eyed 

'What ails you all?' the monarch cried. 

Quoth one: "Tis this round table sire, 

"The lads out here can't feel the fire.' 

Quoth Guinevere: 'Poor faithful knights, 

I'll knit you all a pair of tights.' 

Looks as if a certain young Prince, 

may also be having trouble with itchy labels?

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There was a young Prince from Montrose

Who had pockets in none of his clothes.

When asked by his lass

Where he carried his brass

He said "Darling, I pay through the nose!"

- + - 

Hope you are all keeping warm and well.

I’m just off to join Wes for a Good Scratch.

It’s quite divine to ‘Wine and Dine’,

..….and laugh ‘til you’re in stitches ;

But there’s no pleasure so rare,

….that can compare,

…….with scratching where it itches!

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"Down at Heel"

A clown has been told he cannot wear his giant comedy shoes due to "Elf 'n Safety". 

He was told by management he could no longer wear the size-18 shoes because they compromised his health and safety

His routine includes dressing himself whilst walking on a wire, dress himself within a hoop of fire, and playing a drum-kit, trumpet and double-bass all at the same time.

But he is now worried performing in his regular sized footwear will lose impact on the audience.

Mr Kashkin, 40, from Temruk, Russia, said: "The shoes are an important part of my costume, and I was disappointed to be told I couldn't do this part of my act.

Will they never leave us alone?  I would have thought that the whole point of Circuses is to entertain  by 'death defying' acts. If everything is wrapped up in cotton-wool there will be no excitement and people will just stop going.

Still on the subject of shoes......

I came across this.

It appears that if you want to be one up on your fellow men, you need to be seen wearing a pair of Berluti shoes.

A pair of theses of these shoes will set you back £770.

Like all Berluti shoes, the style is distinguished by its lightweight elegance and by the quality of the last, which is shaped in such a way as to make the shoes instantly comfortable. And these days you don’t have to go to Paris to buy a pair — Berluti has a London store at 43 Conduit Street in the West End. 

Not just at the moment thank you!

Little Tich didn't seem to have a problem with Elf 'n Safety all those years ago in his size 42 comedy shoes....and I bet he didn't have to pay £770 for them either!

 

"Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree"

All over the country the destruction of fine mature trees continues for Elf ‘n Safety reasons, including a whole wood of lovely trees in Yorkshire. 

It is more or less impossible to argue against this.

  What if you said "Leave those trees alone' and weeks later someone was killed by a falling branch, it would be your fault, wouldn't it?

Actually, no, it wouldn't.

Trees fall, and drop their limbs, and sometimes people are hurt or killed by this, but usually the event is so unpredictable that nobody could possibly have foretold it. I personally enjoy walking through woods when a high wind is blowing, listening to the majestic roaring sound, so much that I don't mind the small risk involved.

  Elf ’n Safety would no doubt regard this attitude as irresponsible, and prevent me from doing it if it knew how.

Logically, if we are to live in fear of trees like this, then we will simply have to cut them all down, or place them behind high protective fences.

  In reality, there are just some risks we have to take, unless we are to go quite mad, and this is one of them. Trees are so beautiful, and do us so much good, and make our countryside and towns so much better, that we should do all we can to keep them.

Yet this absurd logic is leading to the needless destruction of untold numbers of fine mature trees

It brings to mind the final chapters of 'The Lord of the Rings', with the spiteful and small-minded hacking down of trees in The Shire by Saruman and his allies, and the joy (alas impossible in this world) when they are miraculously replaced by Sam and his little box of magic dust. 

I have the music to "Don't sit under the Apple Tree with anybody else but me" but it is in a Glenn Miller album and I'm afraid, no cover picture.

"Playing Safe"

Kipper is taking no chances......